Monday, June 20, 2011

WELL! it only took 13 years.....

Hail to the misogynistic king baby!
... AND DUKE NUKEM FOREVER CAME OUT! but sadly.... it's not what anyone wanted. So you can take that and gtfo if this is too long a blog for you.

Despite my disappointment I still "Hail to the King baby" because even though it was canceled like sixty times.... it still came out... that's something right? Kinda.... a really disappointed kinda. Don't get me wrong, despite my utter disgust for how this was handled, the game still has it's moments where you'll find an unexpected laugh, or a little bit of shootey goodness. Other than that it's a fairly bland game with poor graphics, twitchy control, and fairly unremarkable EVERYTHING. Given my love for Duke Nukem 3D and Duke Nukem: Land of Babes,  I will still review this title fairly, and honestly(no pulling punches like FOX NEWS here).

 Graphics....: poor.... simply poor... I understand gearbox really just lifted the title from 3D realms' cold dead grip.... but they should have done better... A bit of a facelift would have really done the "Holsom Twins" good since their models just looked WOODEN, as did everyone else's. Duke's jump animation was just stupid, and his crouch was also underwhelming. though some of the aliens animations were fairly well realized, the rest of the game fails to really hit that well.
graphics score: 4 out of 10(not much stands out.... but at least it's not that god awful gundam game.)

she looks more wooden than Washington's teeth
 Gameplay:.... also poor. It has a few moment's of shooty goodness, but the rest of it is turret sequences, puzzles that are stupid(or even far beyond stupid) and floaty, annoying driving sections, and mindless quests that have no point whatsoever.(in one you seriously have to find a vibrator and popcorn..... i wish i was kidding...) Twitchy controls, and poor physics all over the place just kinda suck whatever enjoyment you could find in being the duke.... right the fuck back out....
Gameplay : 3 out of 10....( poor controls and mindless fetch quests with a few good parts.... still not much good though)

Story: not much of one here.... basically, the aliens are back, and they are taking the women....  and that pisses Duke off.... so what follows is a roid-rage induced "Bloodbath" with all the witty one liners, and half of the actual wit. Combine that with the maturity of a 12 year old. Oh yeah.... it's sad.... very sad.... it made me cry that they treated Duke Nukem this way. that said there are a few bits like halo jokes (Power armor is for pussies!) and jokes on what are now Memes ( DAMNIT LEEROY! ).
Story: 5 out of 10 ( in short, it sucks, but it has it's moments.... just like everything else about this abomination.)

I want this Duke back!

Sound: I won't beat around the bush here.... it blows. Just like the rest of the game, it has it's moments, but still manages to vary between underwhelming, and just TERRIBLE.
sound: 4 out of 10(again.... it sucks.... but has moments)

OVERALL: I am disappointed with this travesty. What gearbox did was something for the fans. In resurrecting, DNF Gearbox bit off more than they could chew. I know really the shittyness of the game is all 3D realm's fault(for the most part). Gearbox could have fixed it, but instead they just slapped together what is essentially a game, but one that is far worse than what it should have been. I know there was a want for the game to be top of the line, but 3D realms just shot themselves, and later gearbox, in the foot. It's sad that it turned out as it did, but i look at it this way, for everything they could have done better, they sure as shit could have done it alot worse. I really hope Gearbox does another duke and does it right..... I really want to see the King take his throne once more.... even if he is an anachronism in a "Politically correct" world... WE NEED THE DUKE AND WE NEED IT DONE RIGHT!
Overall: i'll give the game a 5 out of 10... it sucks, but it's no "thor" or "Aquaman" or "Superman 64" (ie.... despite the game's mediocrity.... it was actually playable)

Well.... it took forever.... it's here.... and it just isn't what we were expecting
 This is Naithan, signing out....

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