Wednesday, November 20, 2013

You'll be okay.

"You'll Be okay."
"It Gets Better."
"It's not really that bad."
"Quit being a puss."
"MAN UP."
"Oh well at least you're (insert long arduous statement on various forms of poverty."

No... I don't think I'm okay. Not to sound depressing, or angry, or hateful, or anything negative... I have a problem, a big one. I've become aware of my own flaws and my own sort of mental quirks, and that's lead me to believe there was something wrong. And listening to a few like-minded fellows with similar creative tendencies has lead me to figure it out. I tend to over think, either overthinking the future, or the past, or the present... It's not like "OOH NO HOW WILL I EVER KEEP UP WITH ALL THESE CAR WASHES?!" It's more like a form of subconscious OCD.

"Subconscious OCD?" you ask,...

YES! Subconscious OCD. My brain's tendencies to piece together literally EVERY possible scenerio into some monster nightmare scenario, hundreds of times over, every minute, of every day. It has lead to me feeling worse than I ever have... And, now that I am aware of it, I can't fix it by myself, can't ask for help because of what the next part is going to entail, and am too afraid to go to a professional about it.

"Why don't you just ask for help then"

See the intro? That's why. I'm no pessimist, despite my increasingly negative demeanor. I prefer to see the possible good in any situation as an attempt to improve my mood, and maybe provide some sort of therapy. I can't ask for help because of a social anxiety... I'm afraid of people, and while I generally don't care what they think, It's when I have a problem like this that I become too damn afraid to do anything other than huddle up in a ball and play pokemon like the recluse I seem to be becoming.

"Why no professional help?"

Long story short, money, or rather, not having money.  Medical bills are ridiculous at the best of times, and the best thing I need in my current medical state is a consistent money pit, sucking away the dollar bills like the gas tank of my mustang...

Oh well... fuck it, i'm done, A friend of mine just told me to fuck off because I don't initiate very many conversations. Maybe i don't because there's literally half a planet's worth of lag, ,time zone difference, and the fact that i'm FUCKING DEPRESSED....

alsonoIdidntcoveritverywellbecausefuckitimdepressedandtired

-Naithan

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Music...

I tend to complain about music a LOT on my blog... and this post will be nothing different ( yep, I'm a one trick pony... or one trick brony... one trick pony car owner? fuck it... meat and potatoes after the break)





Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Car shit?

Source Not So Random Instagram
Long time no post right? Eh whatever, You've had better things to do right? Well you better have if you haven't been reading my damn blog! Fuckin hippies... Wow I'm in a bad mood... Dunno why though.

Anywho, October last year, I came into possession of one of my dream cars, which happens to also be the childhood dream car.... a 1995 mustang GT(5.0L v8 baby!). White, with a black interior... and aside from shitty window tint... stock all around. It's really not perfect, but it doesn't have to be. The car is all about fun, and that's exactly what it does. It's not the fastest, and it doesn't handle the best, but what it lacks in those, it makes up for in sheer driving pleasure. I can't help but crack a smile everytime I get behind the wheel. Maybe that's just my inner five year old going "DUDE! YOU GOT A FREAKIN MUSTANG! DO YOU KNOW HOW AWESOME THAT IS?!"

Source: The Smiling Pony
Thanks to a friend of mine who shall remain nameless.... I have taken to calling my pony car Rarity... I try to avoid doing that around people... for hopefully obvious reasons.... (see picture on left). It should be obvious at this point that I am a brony. Between figures, comics, the tv show... yadda yadda yadda... That's irrelevant.

What i'm trying to say here, is things are looking up. (even if the car is gonna break down every 3 or 4 months thanks to faulty ignition modules.... I'm gonna solve that sooner or later.... hopefuly sooner... BUT a new computer comes first... I dunno)


Anyway.... since i'm making this a short one... have one more picture of My little ponycar
(wouldn't Purple pinstripes and rims look FABULOUS on her?)((shut up))



Wednesday, February 6, 2013

People at their best, Idiocy at it's worst.

Just an example of what i'm complaining about....
I've complained about "Social Media Activism" before. What I call "Social Media Activism" is all sorts of "like 4 jesus, pass for satan" (or related) bullshit.... IT ANNOYS THE HELL OUT OF ME... I can't go on Facebook without seeing this shit and it drives me up a wall. It seems to be a way of "Spreading awareness" with as little effort as possible. IT DOESN'T WORK THOUGH, and i'll tell you why...

Simply put, Just sharing pictures about tragedies, diseases, etc. doesn't do anything to fix the problem. No... you just shared a fucking picture. Hell, I have some facebook friends who do this shit all the time, and I'll tell ya, I've been really tempted to just say "AND WHAT DID YOU DO TO FIX THE PROBLEM?" People are much too sensitive now though, I'd probably earn an enemy or two if I did do that(though, fuck them.) Truth be told, in some cases, such "activism" is a good thing... mainly when someone is PHYSICALLY incapable of doing anything to fix it.

The meat and potatoes of the issue lies in those that use it as their "good karma." Let me tell ya, just telling others about the problem won't fix it. In fact, just telling others, might just get them to tell others which gets the others to tell even more others, essentially perpetuating a complete Möbius strip ( google it, it's a real thing.) This social media activism thing is pretty much what got that "KONY 2012" bullshit up and rollin'. Kinda funny isn't it? Didn't the guy that started that shit get arrested for having a public wank? (Hold on, I'm dieing of laughter over here.) And ya know... If people actually got off their asses instead of just posting arbitrary status updates on facebook... I'm fairly sure we'd have a few less problems in the world...

Long story short.... Social media activism is bullshit... Go plant a fuckin tree or something....

later fuckwads

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Depression

Okay, no pictures or the usual base theatrics....

Depression is a periodic theme in my life. I have been feeling it worse and worse lately, but I've noticed, my general disposition hides it so well, that when I mention the slightest bit of instability, or change to said disposition, people just laugh at me like I know nothing of what I'm talking about. I'm going to go on record saying I will be the goddamn last person to ever pull the trigger. That's not to say I haven't held the gun before. That's mostly figurative... mostly. Not like it matters, but still...

I think suicide is bullshit, that's not to say I haven't contemplated it in the past. I have. At some point, we all have. It's those little nagging thoughts that really drive it all home. Little thoughts like "It's not good enough," "you're ugly," "nobody gives a shit." I don't know what sets this off in people, But we are all prone to it every once in a while...

Oh well... I'm tired of being told off every time I say I have a problem... I'm sorry my problems aren't as immediately detrimental as yours may be, but still, they are still problems to me. They won't go away because your problems are worse, they won't suddenly get better because some kid got shot or something... I don't mean to sound selfish, but GOD DAMMIT... I just don't give a shit anymore...

I may be depressed, but fuck it, I'm gonna keep smiling. I won't say I don't care anymore... because I still care, I just won't listen to anyone else about what I'm feeling, or how I'm feeling. I guess, since i'm feeling a bit less shitty, have a random picture.... courtesy of my picture folder....


yeah that'll do.... later